Tahlequah Daily Press

Columns

April 7, 2014

A pound of bacon is better than a pig in love

TAHLEQUAH — Whatever happened to the cavemen in the Geiko insurance commercials? Those were some of the least-offensive TV blurbs I’ve ever seen, and they were original. But like any other good idea, this one fell victim to the kind of corporate tampering that always insists on fixing what ain’t broken.

First the cavemen were supplanted by a lizard that talks with what I suspect is an Australian accent, though some argue he’s British. The lizard was OK until he was depicted in an implausible love affair with a human woman. Other put-off viewers will recall some attractive chick swinging him around by the arms (or rather, forelegs), spinning in a circle, and mouthing, “I love you.” I find it hard to believe I’m the only one offended – especially in the Bible Belt – by this blatant hat-tip to bestiality. You’d think the script-writers could at least come up with an animal more traditionally associated with this sort of thing, like a donkey or a sheep.

Perhaps someone else realized the size variant – if not the crossover into an entirely different animal class – would hamper a relationship. So now, the romantic interest is an animal in the same class of “mammal,” and is physiologically close enough to humans that its organs are often used in transplants: the pig.

I know several people who think this swine – which is a Yorkshire or possibly a Landrace, since it’s sort of pinkish – is cute. I find him annoying, with his nasal voice and meaty haunches. I do not understand why a hot, young blonde would be so enthralled with the porker that she’d invite him to cozy up behind her on a personal watercraft. It would make more sense if they were rooting around in a mudhole, because the implication that a pig could straddle the seat of a Waverunner is ridiculous. And even if he could sit upright, with his stubby hind legs jutting forward, he couldn’t hang onto the chick without the benefit of opposable thumbs.

The worst commercial from the sty series has to be the one where the pig is basking on a lounge chair, sunglasses aperch on his snout, and trying to manage a smartphone with cloven hooves.

In this story line, the pig’s insurance bill has already been paid, so he can go back to enjoying his vacation by the pool. Then, for some obscure reason, he begins to mutter, “Boots-and-pants-and-boots-and-pants-and-boots-and-pants...”

Online dictionaries suggested the porcine pervert is rapping along to a techno dance beat, but I didn’t understand until former co-worker Sarah Hart, who is now on the ESPN payroll somewhere in Pennsylvania, posted a video of the original “boots and pants” mantra, which, as it turns out, is actually “Boots and Cats.” Pants – or lack thereof, in the case of the pig – never enter into the equation. I don’t even really know what type of music the pig is emulating here, although my youngest sister has speculated the vid is making fun of “beat boxing.” Whatever. I’m still stuck back in the Stone Ages with authentic rock ‘n’ roll. But it might augment your comprehension if you see the video, which you can access at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nni0rTLg5B8. Be warned you’ll be treated to other obnoxious advertisements before you get to heart of the matter.

Or maybe you’ll want to forget I ever mentioned it. For some reason, the “boots and pants” recitation got stuck in my head a month or so ago when I first saw the commercial, and since then, I’ve been prone to regular outbursts of either muttering or yelling, depending on my mood, “BOOTS and pants and BOOTS and pants...” There’s no logical explanation for this, and I’m sure it annoys everyone in my presence.

At this juncture, I believe I’ve seen four blurbs produced in hog heaven, and two involve water. I realize all mammals can swim, but I’ve never personally witnessed a pig paddling around in a pool, a pond, or in any other body of water. But then again, I’ve never heard one say anything intelligible; grunts and squeals are about as far as it gets.

I’m not sure whether the idea of a shoat on a boat is worse, or the image of one behind the wheel of a car and being stopped by a cop.

There’s also one where the cob-roller is getting a photo taken for his driver’s license, and like the rest of us, he closes his eyes at the crucial moment. But now that I think about it, a pig probably couldn’t be a much worse driver than the average Okie. If you doubt that assessment, you must not be reading the accident reports in the paper.

I’m hoping that soon, Geiko will move along to another mascot, or spokes- animal, or whatever you want to call it. If they really want to generate interest in their product, they should consider butchering the pig in a public way, and sending out 10 or 15 pounds of bacon to anyone who signs up. That being the case, if we weren’t already with USAA, I’d sign up myself.

kpoindexter@tahlequahdailypress.com

1
Text Only
Columns
  • A twist on words can get you into trouble

    The misuse or mispronunciation of words can be forgiven in children, but in adults, it’s water-cooler cannon fodder.

    July 28, 2014

  • Keeping the interest of boys is just a matter of ‘gross’

    A couple of my friends complained to me recently that they didn’t know how to “connect” with their teenage sons, and that they are growing apart from the sweet little boys to whom they once read bedtime stories.

    July 14, 2014

  • ‘Different’ situations aren’t so very different, after all

    “Well, that’s different!” It’s the favorite phrase of the hypocrite, when confronted with his glaring flaw.

    July 7, 2014

  • Threats on social media or elsewhere won’t change any minds

    I try not to take political positions on my private Facebook timeline. I used to sometimes, in what I considered a polite way, but that offended friends left and right – literally. And sometimes I watched in horror as a thread degenerated into name-calling between people I respect, but who happen to be polar opposites on the political spectrum.

    June 30, 2014

  • Striking the hyphen, and other journalistic maneuvering

    A couple of years ago, my office phone rang. With no greeting or fanfare, the caller indignantly said, “Did you know they’ve taken the hyphen out of ‘fundraiser’?”

    June 23, 2014

  • taylor.armerding.jpg IRS spins email yarn as Obama slips past another scandal

    Forget everything you've heard about email. All digital trace of a former IRS official's email over the 25 months the agency harassed conservative groups has mysteriously, improbably vanished. Gone, too, is the White House's accountability as President Obama slips from another scandal.

    June 20, 2014 1 Photo

  • Front-load washers are harbingers of foul-smelling fabric

    May 27, 2014

  • Beetles in the office aren’t up on blocks

    We have more dead beetles here at the Daily Press office than you can shake a can of Raid at.

    May 12, 2014

  • NOLA always worth your time, especially for Jazz Fest

    When it comes to New Orleans, you can have a “glass half-full” or a “glass half-empty” attitude.
    Either you see anniversary celebrants enjoying a romantic dinner at the Court of Two Sisters, or the aging transvestite hawking her wares on Bourbon Street. You hear the joyous sounds of Zydeco music from the band on the corner, or the lewd cursing of the drunken frat boy at Pat O’Brien’s. You smell the enticing aroma of Cajun cuisine in the French Quarter, or the fresh puddle of vomit on the sidewalk.
    I’m a cynic, but I take the “glass half-full” approach to New Orleans. My family loves the city’s character, even with all the blemishes that repel respectable folks, and we especially love the Jazz and Heritage Festival. That’s where we were last weekend. The main action is out at the fairgrounds, with its sweltering temperatures, stick-tight-laden grass, and sea of sweaty bodies packed in around a dozen stages and 60 or so booths selling local food and crafts.

    May 5, 2014

  • Selling of lies in the dreaded car game

    Recently, my husband and I did something that is discussed in the same tone of disdain reserved for Communists, salesmen, politicians, lawyers, and sometimes, journalists. We bought ourselves a “furrin” car.
    We decided on a foreign contraption because my husband now commutes to Tulsa every day, and a quick calculation revealed the horror our three-quarter-ton diesel Chevy would visit upon our bank account. That vehicle gets a comparatively impressive 18 mpg, but doing the math on the current price of diesel and a 150-mile daily round trip is enough to send anyone to the nearest toilet to hurl up the previous meal.

    April 21, 2014

Poll

Do you believe school administrators and college presidents in Oklahoma are paid too much?

Strongly agree.
Somewhat agree.
Somewhat disagree.
Strongly disagree.
Undecided.
     View Results
Tahlequah Daily Press Twitter
Follow us on twitter
AP Video
Small Plane Crash in San Diego Parking Lot Busy Franco's Not Afraid of Overexposure Fighting Blocks Access to Ukraine Crash Site Dangerous Bacteria Kills One in Florida Workers Dig for Survivors After India Landslide Texas Scientists Study Ebola Virus Smartphone Powered Paper Plane Debuts at Airshow Southern Accent Reduction Class Cancelled in TN Raw: Deadly Landslide Hits Indian Village Obama Chides House GOP for Pursuing Lawsuit New Bill Aims to Curb Sexual Assault on Campus Russia Counts Cost of New US, EU Sanctions 3Doodler Bring 3-D Printing to Your Hand Six PA Cops Indicted for Robbing Drug Dealers Britain Testing Driverless Cars on Roadways
Stocks