Tahlequah Daily Press

Editorials

December 3, 2012

Lucifer’s favorite holiday cookie is back on the shelf

TAHLEQUAH — We were in the store the other day, picking up a few items, when I spotted them. I knew they’d be on the shelves soon, but I was hoping something wicked wouldn’t come this way. Yet there they were, making their clarion call for attention: Satan’s favorite cookie, the white fudge-dipped Oreo.

Many people dread the holidays because they are powerless to resist seasonal treats. They’ll pack on a dozen pounds, consigning themselves to stretch pants for however long it takes to drop enough weight to squeeze back into the jeans. Sometimes it never happens, and the jeans wind up in next year’s donation pile – another size gone the way of the dodo.

It starts with Halloween, when the bags of miniature candy bars, dressed in orange and black wrappers, show up. They masquerade as sales items to entice you to stock up weeks before trick-or-treaters slouch toward Bethlehem or your door, whichever comes first. Of course, the candy’s really not on sale; it’ll be cheaper the day or two before Halloween – at which point you’ll have to buy more, anyway, because you’ve already consumed your initial purchase and have nothing left for the kids.

Some people crave Snickers; for some, Mounds is profound. Others fall prey to Milky Way, get fat via Kit Kat, or go to pieces over Reese’s. My weakness is the “scary pumpkin.” These are tiny, pumpkin-shaped lumps of tacky sugar – giant candy corn in gourd form. I always kick off the season with a bag of scary pumpkins. Technically, I think they’re called “Mellowcreme Pumpkins,” but the scary part is how quickly you can shove the whole bag down your gullet, and how you can’t button your pants for at least three days afterward.

My husband usually battens upon a bag of Paydays before he moves in for the Tootsie Rolls. This year, he found a giant bag of fruit-flavored Tootsies, but disappointingly for him, only a few vanillas were in the mix. After Thanksgiving, he announced he was tired of them, and took them to the office.

Just as Halloween is packing it in, the bane of many revelers arrives in the dairy case: eggnog. When I was a kid, it was only sold in December. Today, with voraciousness at an all-time high, the creamy-sweet drink makes its annual debut in a haunting bottle emblazoned with pumpkins, bats and witches, until it moves gratefully onto the cornucopia pattern for Thanksgiving, before it’s jingle all the way with silver bells, holly, and candy canes. Even in mid-January, there will be a few bottles souring on the shelves, but by that time, it’s mostly been absorbed by the general population in the form of a sea of saddlebags, spare tires and behemoth bottoms. I’m not a big ‘nog fan, and though my husband drinks it, he’s sporadic about it. He’ll buy a bottle, drink a quarter of it, put it in the fridge and forget about it until it clabbers itself into clumps. At that point, he’ll rediscover it like an old Monopoly game in the back of the closet, and holler, “Why didn’t you remind me that was in there?”

Nothing – not even the dozen different types of candy I make each year for friends, family, co-workers and potential targets for bribery – can match the temptation exuding from the “devil’s biscuit.” I can easily inhale the entire box, which fortunately only amounts to 12 cookies, in one sitting. I even gave myself a paper cut last year in my haste to rip into the season’s inaugural box, and then, trembling in anticipation, I practically swallowed the first one whole. I’m pretty sure Nabisco puts crack or another addictive substance in these cookies, but in any case, they are malignant. If I scraped the white coating off with a knife, I’m sure that instead of the trademark emblem on the chocolate cookie shell, I’d find an imprint of “666.”

The only edible iniquity that comes even close is the Seven-Layer Cookie bars I make each year. You’ve gorged yourself on them, I’m sure: graham cracker crumbs, slathered with sweetened condensed milk, then layered with chocolate and butterscotch chips, sprinkled liberally with flaked coconut and topped with chopped pecans before being baked into a gooey mess of transgression. While these may be the favorite treat for a lesser minion, rather than Old Slewfoot himself, they are nevertheless an embodiment of evil: One year, I watched a friend of mine eat nearly an entire 9-by-13 pan of these sinful squares before he pushed himself up from the couch, lurched toward the bathroom, and launched into an egregious round of heaving. An hour or two later, he polished off the last three squares.

Why do we spent an entire two months, bemoaning our distended bellies, praying for absolution, and swearing we’ll never do it again? No one knows for sure, but Americans are indeed gluttons for punishment – or perhaps gluttony IS our punishment. The really hazardous “open carry” scenario may involve a fist clutching not a .38 Special, but rather a greasy paper bag filled with five-for-$5 burgers.

I’m going to campaign for the elimination of all holiday treats except the infernal Peeps of Easter fame – in Christmasy colors, shaped like Santa, pine trees, stockings, yule logs, and for the spiritually minded, a manger or star. It may get me in trouble to say so, but I can’t imagine anyone craving Peeps.

Kim Poindexter is managing editor of the Tahlequah Daily Press.

1
Text Only
Editorials
  • Community cleanups a good way to ensure our collective success

    This is our community – and it’s no better than what we make it. Let’s make it look great.

    April 16, 2014

  • Attack at school in Pennsylvania: Mental illness root of problem

    Washington’s crusade against guns was dealt a severe blow on Wednesday. No, it wasn’t the Supreme Court curtailment of the Second Amendment right of all Americans to own firearms. It wasn’t an executive order handed down by the administration. It was the brutal assault by a high school student in Pennsylvania against his fellow students – with a knife.

    April 14, 2014

  • People with faulty zippers should be booted from office

    We may forgive, but we shouldn’t forget, because there’s serious work to do in Washington. That work will never be accomplished as long as flawed zippers - literally or figurately – are a pervasive problem.

    April 11, 2014

  • Do your part to fight animal and child abuse

    It’s hard to change the habits of an abuser, especially when mitigating factors – such as alcohol or drugs – are involved. And these patterns tend to repeat themselves in successive generations. But all of us can take one small step to help eradicate this epidemic, and that is to report it when we see it.

    April 9, 2014

  • NSA head lies to Congress, and seems to get away with it

    Is there an obvious pattern of criminality within these governmental agencies? If so, why isn’t the Judicial Department investigating?

    April 7, 2014

  • Pass for rich kiddie rapist proves that justice isn’t blind

    Someone in Wilmington, Del., needs to keep an eye on Superior Court Judge Jan Jurden for the next few months, because she might improve her standard of living due to a sudden influx of cash.
    There’s no other way to explain why Jurden would have sentenced an ultra-wealthy heir to the du Pont fortune to probation for raping his 3-year-old daughter. It’s an outrageous miscarriage of justice that once again proves when it comes to the U.S. justice system, the elite get a pass almost every time.

    April 4, 2014

  • Maybe it’s not $3.2B, but state should still account for tribal cash

    In an editorial published last week, the Daily Press said that through tribal compacts, the state of Oklahoma received about $3.2 billion in annual revenue, partly attributable to the 117 casinos (or 118, in some reports) run by 33 tribes in the state. The information we accessed for that piece was confusing, and had a typo or two, which may have led us to overstate – to a considerable degree – how much money the tribes actually give the state.

    April 2, 2014

  • Tribal compacts should mean state has money to perform its functions

    Oklahoma should be rolling in the dough. The statistics bear that out. Thirty-three American Indian tribes operate 117 casinos in this state. Thanks to “compacts,” these tribes have been sharing the wealth with the state of Oklahoma. And thanks to the casinos, that wealth is substantial.

    March 28, 2014

  • It’s time to turn in your candidate announcements

    If you are running for a political office for which Cherokee County voters can cast ballots, it’s time to turn in your announcement. We’ve already run a few, and expect several more. The primary elections are Tuesday, June 24, with the registration period to vote in this election closing Thursday, May 30.

    March 24, 2014

  • Mom responsible for watching kid; restaurant’s not

    If you allowed your child to drink a bottle of drain cleaner, would you feign surprise when he fell to the floor, twitching and foaming at the mouth? If you left your curling iron within reach of your baby and she pulled it off the vanity and burned her hand, would you plan revenge on the store that sold you the appliance?
    You just might, if you’re among the litigious Americans who have abdicated parental responsibility to either sloth or the hope of a better tomorrow through a cash settlement.

    March 19, 2014

Poll

What to you think of a state Legislature proposal to forbid cities from raising the minimum wage? Choose the closest to your opinion.

The federal government should set the minimum wage across the board.
States should be allowed to raise their minimum wages, but not cities.
Both states and cities should be allowed to raise their minimum wages.
Cities should be allowed to raise their mimum wages, but not states.
There should be no minimum wage at all.
Undecided.
     View Results
Tahlequah Daily Press Twitter
Follow us on twitter
AP Video
Raw: Royal Couple Visits Australia Mountains Raw: Pro-Russian Militants Killed on Base Captain of Sunken South Korean Ferry Apologizes Boston Bombing Survivors One Year Later Sister of Slain MIT Officer Reflects on Bombing Raw: Blast at Tennessee Ammunition Plant Kills 1 Hoax Bomb Raises Anxiety in Boston Egypt Clamps Down on Mosques to Control Message After Fukushima, Japan Eyes Solar Power New York Auto Show Highlights Latest in Car Tech Ex-California City Leader Gets 12 Year Sentence Disbanding Muslim Surveillance Draws Praise Hundreds Missing After South Korean Ferry Sinks Passengers Abuzz After Plane Hits Swarm of Bees Town, Victims Remember Texas Blast At Boston Marathon, a Chance to Finally Finish Are School Dress Codes Too Strict?
Stocks